sigh

so my day has been pretty boring. i have been working pretty much all day and then i came home and ate dinner and watched some episodes of desperate housewives on my computer while i cried. i miss calvin so much. he didn't call today. i haven't heard from him in a little over a week and even then it was only a five minute phone call i had to take even tho i was at work. he gets on facebook and talks to his friends but idk why he doesn't post anything to me or his mom even or anyone of his family to just let us know he misses us and he is ok. i know he misses me i do.. it's just sometimes i think that japan is a better experience than me...and i pray to god that it's not. i'm probably just over reacting and just really emotional because of how much i miss but it just seems that way right now. its only been a few weeks where he has been there and it's been some of the hardest few weeks of my life. he is over 6000 miles away from me... it can't get too much further than that. i haven't cried much lately because i've been doing everything to keep my mind off how much i miss him by working more or hanging out more or eating my feelings... lol. he was and is my life and now he has been taken away and it just freaking sucks. i am soo happy for him that he is having such an amazing experience because if he didn't join the military he never would have had it. and i know that our relationship is very strong and i believe it can last the entire time he is gone. but if he doesn't keep in contact with me.... idk how i'm going to get through this. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me or ever will happen to me. i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life. i'm just weak somedays and today is definately one of those days. i just needed to vent and i'm so glad that i have this blog to do that because it has really helped me. keeping a journal is difficult when you have so much to say and you can't write fast enough and then forget some of the things you wanted to say. some days are great, but most days are not so great. i'm not depressed all the time.. but all the time i am alone or not thinking about something else.. i am depressed. i just miss my boyfriend and want him to come home. is that soo selfish of me? sometimes i am mad at myself for wanting him to come home because i know if he did.. what he would be missing out on and it would be because of selfish me. i honestly dont' know how some people deal with not even talking to their husbands or wives for a month or months at a time... my situation is better than most but i would have to say if it is this hard when my situation is better than others.. idk how people actually mentally and emotionally function when the situation is much much differnt. i always told myself i could never date someone in the military because it is too hard.... well look at me now. lol calvin is worth it tho. he really is. i just need to find ways to stay stronger than i am now. i mean i guess i'll get used to it but it seems like by the time i get used to it... he will have finished his career and be home with me all the time. idk if i'll even ever get used to it. i mean ya i'm used to not physically seeing him.. but not talking to him with a phone call or facebook or anything... i'll never be used to that. idk maybe i'm being over dramatic but you know what? i don't care. this is the place where i'm allowed to vent and it doesn't really matter considering one... maybe two people read my blog. it's ment more for my mental health than anything else. man this venting has really helped. at the beginning of this post i was sobbing and now i have it together. still have some tears in my eyes but i'm much better. i just pray that calvin calls me soon because he usually calls on sundays and he didn't call today... i know he is just soaking up the experience and trying to enjoy every minute of it because he time is limited there. in some ways i don't know how i could handle it if he reenlisted... but if he did decide that.. i would of course be there for him. but me being my selfish self prays that he doesn't do that because i want him there. i want him to watch our children grow up and not be worried all the time. i mean ya he is not in a scary place or a place with a lot of war... but he is on a ship that deals with mines... anything is possible and the thought of that scares me. idk what to do anymore but i just really needed to vent. i really need to change the title of this blog... lol my life is not so incredible at the moment... but i'll get past it with help. anyways... i had better head to bed because i'm hanging out with brooke tomorrow and then i have an interview and then i'm doing zumba with my mom and going to calvin's mom's house for dinner just like every monday night. well i love you so much calvin and i pray that you call very soon because i miss you so much it hurts. peace out.