meh

sorry i haven't posted in awhile. i have been working a crap ton and moved back home and stuff like that. moving home... well it is good and bad. it's weird having to tell my parents where i'm going and when i'm going to be home. but im kinda stuck right now... either i move out and be free... then never do school or i stay home with little freedom and have money for school.... decisions decisions. but i think that i would much rather have money for school and just deal with the stuff they do. i do like living at home tho. but it's sooo weird that i'm never going back to my dorms to live there again. way way weird. lol. but at least my commute will be a lot shorter to school. slcc is only about 20 minutes away from here. weber was about 35 minutes from here. idk what classes i'm going to take in the fall either. i'm kinda nervous to register for classes just in case i can't afford it and have to wait until the spring to enroll in classes but i think i can afford it.. i just acutally need to save money haha. i have issues with that. but now that it is summer i'm working my ass off and getting as many hours as i possibly can. who knows maybe my boss will let me get some over time :P haha that would be so nice cuz i would make so much more money. i want to get a job as a cna at lakeview hospital this summer so i can keep my certification... but i hate the training and having to deal with my schedule with two jobs... it's just so much easier to have one job and gets lots of hours lol. i hope she gives them to me tho. sigh. well i wrote calvin a couple letters and sent them out yesterday and i'm going to write another one tonight while i have time. i can't wait for him to reply and then send another letter because if i did that... i would get about 3 letters from him for the 4 months he is going to be gone.. lol. but i still have dinner with his family once a week and that really helps me mentally and emotionally. i miss him so much it hurts. i cry a lot over it. i just hate the feeling of not knowing when i'm going to see him again... it just freaking sucks. he told me not to go to japan this year because it's too expensive and his mom wouldn't have the time or money to come with me and he doesn't want me going by myself. but if he can't come home for christmas..... then i wouldn't see him again until july..... of NEXT year. that is a very long time to not see a loved one. especially your boyfriend. a year and 4 months... i just pray that we can make it work. i mean now he has skype which is really good for me because then i can kinda see him. he is worth the wait that is for sure... it is just super hard sometimes. i get really lonely and sad a lot. brooke helps a lot by keeping me busy and we have lots of fun hanging out and stuff... but sometimes its just not quite enough. i just miss him.. so so badly. this is the first summer i've had without him also so it's definitely something i'm going to try to get used to.... hopefully. well i am pretty tired so i'm gonna log off now. i love you calvin. peace out.

why??

sigh. so i just barely moved home yesterday afternoon and it feels really good to be home again surprisingly. i thought that i would dread it because i would have no freedom but my parents are actually being pretty cool. but let's just hope that it stays that way. lol we shall see. man calvin is about to skype me for the last time before he ships out on a boat for 4 months.... great. back to letter writing that is going to take weeks just to get to him. fanfreakingtastic. well there is nothing that i can do about it. i'm excited for him though because he gets to go to hong kong and korea and thailand and a few other places and that is such an amazing experience for him. he better take lots of pictures and then put them up on facebook when he gets back to his computer. sigh. well it looks like i might not be going to japan this year. i don't know. maybe i will be? ugh stupid military! i hate how everything is so last minute and unplanned. calvin told me not to buy a ticket this year because it is so expensive but if he is not going to be able to come home for christmas... i am damn well going to see him whether he wants me to or not haha. if he doesn't come home for christmas and i don't go see him in october or september... then i won't see him until summer of next year..... ya i think that is way too long. that would be so hard. not seeing calvin for over a year... i could do it because i love him obviously but it would be sooo hard. that is about the time i want to freaking get married to him so that would be awesome if we could get married then. :) on july 26th our anniversary. man that would be so freaking awesome!!!! lol. man i love him so much and i miss him sooo badly. i am so lonely sometimes but i know it's just going to be temporary. he is my everything and sometimes i feel like he is never going to come home. i know that is silly but it's just how i feel sometimes. i just wish that he wasn't so far away. 6000 miles is a very long distance to be away from the person you love. sigh. well i'm just going to work all summer long and try to enjoy it as much as possible. at least i have brooke :) she keeps me sane. lol. well i'm signing off so i can talk to calvin soon hopefully. i love you calvin. peace out.

sigh

so my day has been pretty boring. i have been working pretty much all day and then i came home and ate dinner and watched some episodes of desperate housewives on my computer while i cried. i miss calvin so much. he didn't call today. i haven't heard from him in a little over a week and even then it was only a five minute phone call i had to take even tho i was at work. he gets on facebook and talks to his friends but idk why he doesn't post anything to me or his mom even or anyone of his family to just let us know he misses us and he is ok. i know he misses me i do.. it's just sometimes i think that japan is a better experience than me...and i pray to god that it's not. i'm probably just over reacting and just really emotional because of how much i miss but it just seems that way right now. its only been a few weeks where he has been there and it's been some of the hardest few weeks of my life. he is over 6000 miles away from me... it can't get too much further than that. i haven't cried much lately because i've been doing everything to keep my mind off how much i miss him by working more or hanging out more or eating my feelings... lol. he was and is my life and now he has been taken away and it just freaking sucks. i am soo happy for him that he is having such an amazing experience because if he didn't join the military he never would have had it. and i know that our relationship is very strong and i believe it can last the entire time he is gone. but if he doesn't keep in contact with me.... idk how i'm going to get through this. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me or ever will happen to me. i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life. i'm just weak somedays and today is definately one of those days. i just needed to vent and i'm so glad that i have this blog to do that because it has really helped me. keeping a journal is difficult when you have so much to say and you can't write fast enough and then forget some of the things you wanted to say. some days are great, but most days are not so great. i'm not depressed all the time.. but all the time i am alone or not thinking about something else.. i am depressed. i just miss my boyfriend and want him to come home. is that soo selfish of me? sometimes i am mad at myself for wanting him to come home because i know if he did.. what he would be missing out on and it would be because of selfish me. i honestly dont' know how some people deal with not even talking to their husbands or wives for a month or months at a time... my situation is better than most but i would have to say if it is this hard when my situation is better than others.. idk how people actually mentally and emotionally function when the situation is much much differnt. i always told myself i could never date someone in the military because it is too hard.... well look at me now. lol calvin is worth it tho. he really is. i just need to find ways to stay stronger than i am now. i mean i guess i'll get used to it but it seems like by the time i get used to it... he will have finished his career and be home with me all the time. idk if i'll even ever get used to it. i mean ya i'm used to not physically seeing him.. but not talking to him with a phone call or facebook or anything... i'll never be used to that. idk maybe i'm being over dramatic but you know what? i don't care. this is the place where i'm allowed to vent and it doesn't really matter considering one... maybe two people read my blog. it's ment more for my mental health than anything else. man this venting has really helped. at the beginning of this post i was sobbing and now i have it together. still have some tears in my eyes but i'm much better. i just pray that calvin calls me soon because he usually calls on sundays and he didn't call today... i know he is just soaking up the experience and trying to enjoy every minute of it because he time is limited there. in some ways i don't know how i could handle it if he reenlisted... but if he did decide that.. i would of course be there for him. but me being my selfish self prays that he doesn't do that because i want him there. i want him to watch our children grow up and not be worried all the time. i mean ya he is not in a scary place or a place with a lot of war... but he is on a ship that deals with mines... anything is possible and the thought of that scares me. idk what to do anymore but i just really needed to vent. i really need to change the title of this blog... lol my life is not so incredible at the moment... but i'll get past it with help. anyways... i had better head to bed because i'm hanging out with brooke tomorrow and then i have an interview and then i'm doing zumba with my mom and going to calvin's mom's house for dinner just like every monday night. well i love you so much calvin and i pray that you call very soon because i miss you so much it hurts. peace out.

life

sigh so i am soo sick of school i could like spit lol. i am like going to fail a lot of my classes.. i just don't like school at all. i just need the summer to take off and maybe the fall depending on how much i make during the summer to pay for school. i'm transferring from weber state to salt lake community college to do the medical assisting program. it will be better for me so i can be a ECG technition. anyways. i finally got a call at work last night from calvin!! lol it's been like a week since i've talked to him and it was like a five minute phone call... it was great that he called but it freaking sucked that it was so short. :( i miss him so freaking much. i can't wait to go over and fianlly see him in japan :) that is gonna be so fun! he was actually suppose to be put on hold for months... the communication sucks in the military it seems like.. lol but his friend that is suppose to go to japan got put on hold until october!!! in some ways i wish he would so then i could have gone to california again this summer to see him one more time before he shipped off and then he wouldn't have been in japan as long.. but i know he was excited to get over there and finally start his actual job and be done with school and bootcamp. i can't believe it took six months just to do school and bootcamp... but at least i know he is over there safe and i at least get to go visit him so i guess i shouldn't be complaining too much. it just feels way weird to have him over 6,000 miles away from me... sooo weird.well anyways.. i'm gonna log off now. i love you calvin. peace out.

..........

so i haven't posted anything for like a freaking month. lol. everything has been sooo insane. well i went to california to see calvin and i had an awesome time and i was soo gratful that i was able to go. he is over in japan right now and i miss him like nuts. i'm always worried about him and he isn't even like near any danger. i just wish that he could call me everyday but he can't. he gets to call me once every couple days but he has only been there for like three days so idk how many times in a week he is actually going to be able to call me. but i guess the really cool thing is that he can have a laptop and he can skype me so i can see him like face to face!! that part i love lol. i work so much that i feel like i have no time for anything else. i just had my spring break and it was way nice to have so much time off of school cuz i really needed it. i'm just so sick of school and i just want to have summer be here already. i'm moving home and i'm pretty excited to move home but kinda like aw crap rules again. lol. but i really like spending time with the family so it's ok. so i decided that i'm going to the gym all summer long and i'm going to eat healthier and diet and lose lots of weight and then when i go see calvin in japan in september.. i'll look amazing!!!! haha. man i miss him so much. the first few days after i leave him are always the hardest. i just cry and cry my eyes out and i can't seem to stop and everything sad i see i start crying again. but i'm ok now. and i just keep telling myself that this is only temporary. i mean ya 3 years is a very long time... but compared to a lifetime it's nothing. my relationship with calvin has gotten even stronger since he left. i hope one day soon that we will get married. but anyways... i'm dead tired cuz i worked a 10 hour shift today so i'm headed for the sack. i love you calvin. peace out.

:)

man i'm soo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i'm leaving for california to see calvin in a week from today... of course i have a TON of homework before i go.. but it will be soo worth it. seriously. i have six exams to take in seven days.. and two of the days the testing center is closed of course. so yay for me lol. but this trip is going to be so nice. i'm going to have a great break from school, i get to spend quality time with calvin's family and the most important thing is that i get to hang out with calvin for two weekends!!!!!!!! oh my gosh that is soo amazing! it's like the three best things ever combined into 9 days haha. right now i'm just hanging out watching some tv and studying and calvin's mom is coming out to work out some details about our trip and we're going to lunch :) super excited. i'm soo glad that they live so close to me so that when my parents move away.. i'll have someone to have family dinners with and stuff. moving to japan is going to be difficult at times because i won't have my family or his family or brooke with me, but i will at least have calvin :) and i'll fly home when i can while he is shipped out at sea. man i love him so much. :) how did i get so lucky? lol anyways... today is a good day. :) so i better go cuz marie is going to come up soon. :) i love you calvin. peace out.

happy :)

so sorry that i haven't posted in like two weeks. lol i have had just so much stuff going on right now. i'm trying to do my best in school and still have a social life on top of working full time. it's just becoming too much so i'm dropping some hours at work. but i get a very nice break coming up soon :) i get to go to california to see calvin :) turns out that he is getting stationed in c school in california before he leaves for japan :) i am soo freaking excited to drive down and see him. i am driving down with his mom, sisters and his niece and nephew. i am so excited to see him and to just have a break from school or work or anything stressful. we are going to go to disneyland, universal studios, and seaworld and the beach while we are there. :) i am just super excited to have a great vacation and to be able to spend time with calvin before he leaves. cuz by the time i get to see him again... it will probably be either christmas or like around his birthday in september. he wants me to come for two weeks... but idk how much that is going to cost. lol. i'm so very gratful that my mom's friend is willing to give me a buddy pass to japan and it's going to be like 300 bucks instead of 1600. that saves me a crap ton of money right there. man. i want to do so much traveling this year but its going to be extremely hard at this rate. going to california in a few weeks... i really really want to go to washington dc for awhile also. but i don't think i'll be able to stay as long as i wanted to there because of money. then a few months after that i will be heading to japan. lol. and after i have my associates degree i'm most likely getting married and moving over to japan with calvin. we talked about it and that is probably the best thing. cuz he is going to be on land for six months to a year after he is shipped out for seven months at a time. and then when he gets shipped out again.. i'll come live at home for a few months :) that is what sounds good to me... but breaking the news to my parents won't be so fun... by the way mom and dad.. i'm getting married!!! not only that... but i'm also moving to japan!!!! surprise!!! haha. we will see. anything can change at any moment when it comes to the military so nothing will ever be set in stone in advance while calvin is in the military. lol. i hate not knowing but i guess it's kinda exciting in one way also. keeps me on my feet. lol. well i had better head to bed cuz i'm freaking tired from working a ten hour shift today.. so nighty night. i love you calvin. peace out.