..........

so i spent a lot of my day crying today. i just like want to curl up in a ball and not come out of my room for a week. i want my friends to distract me from missing calvin and stuff but i also just feel like being alone sometimes so i can just cry. idk i think it's a majority of things that are making me so sad. i'm home sick, calvin is gone, i'm missing seeing my friends everyday, calvin is gone, i'm having a hard time with school, calvin is gone, i miss my old friends at my old job, calvin is gone, brooke isn't here.... and did i mention that calvin is gone? i just want to get to the point where i can not cry when i see a picture of him and to just be completely happy for him. i am happy but right now the saddness is all i can feel. today a lot of people told me that i looked dead tired. i mean i was a little tired but that's just cuz i was up a lot the night before crying for a few hours and i was extremely depressed today. apparently it showed and i just said that i was tired to not start crying. this is gonna be an extremely long two months and if he just had his phone this would not be so hard! then i could still talk to him everyday, but not now. i think the main reason i'm crying so much is because i miss calvin but so many other things are adding to it and i just feel like i don't want to get up in the mornings anymore. i like have no drive and idk where it went all of a sudden. i had so much drive when i first started school to do well and now it's like all my energy and drive has been sucked from my body. i guess i'm being overdramatic. i know there are a lot worse things that could've happened believe me. but i've never had someone i love this much just leave. i know i have a lot to learn about love and life but i just pray that i can learn it all with calvin. brooke helps me out so much with everything and i love her for it. she has been through so much worse things than i have with love and calvin leaving has given me so much more respect for her courage. well i had probably better get to bed if i even want to think about getting out of bed tomorrow morning... peace out. love you calvin.