lonely

so calvin left yesterday i'm not handling it was well as i thought i would. i absolutely hate that i do not know when i'm gonna hear from him. i hate knowing if i call or text his phone he is not going to answer. i hate that he is gone and i'm here without him. i hate that i can't stop worrying or crying. this is going to seriously be a long two months. keeping myself busy only lasts so long... then i come home to my house and when i'm by myself i feel so lonely already. i mean it's only two months holy crap but it's gonna seem like a year to me. i absolutely hated saying goodbye. he talked about doing this for almost a year and i guess i just never thought he was actually going to leave so i think that's why it's so hard now cuz i didn't prepare myself.... huge mistake. i woke up just a few minutes ago and started thinking about calvin again and now there is no way i can go back to sleep anytime soon which really sucks cuz i have school tomorrow. man i'm so pathetic... i already wrote calvin a letter last night and i'm not even going to be able to have him read it for like two weeks. it's just a horrible transition because i talked to him everyday like all day over texts and sometimes calls. i'm gonna miss him calling me and telling me about work that day and asking me to come over cuz he wants to see me. i know he can't work at walmart the rest of his life while i fulfill all my dreams and he just sits there and watches me. in some ways i just wish he picked a different dream i guess. one that didn't require us being so far apart without much communication. i guess i'm just being a big baby but i just can't understand why everyone in my family wants to do military. my grandpa, my other grandpa, my dad, my brother, my other brother, and now my boyfriend. i guess there is just so much change going on in my life right now that i'm just stressed out way bad so that could be why i can't stop crying. i feel like i'm just about to hyperventilate like 99% of the time but i never do. i just have this horrible feeling in my chest that i can't get rid of. I just pray that him going into the military doesn't change our relationship. i think that is what i'm most worried about. he is worried that i'm going to meet another guy and he is ruining my college experience. i told him to stop thinking that because my life is better because he is in it and i can't picture not being with him. i'm so glad i made this blog because it's like my journal. i don't care if anyone ever reads it because it is for me. well i get to see calvin in two months cuz i'm flying out to illinois for his bootcamp gradutation so that's really nice. and he comes home for christmas so i'll see him then. and then in january also when he comes back to utah for a week or so. then he ships out for good on a coast somewhere. i mean i thought i was having a hard time now... just wait until then. in so many ways i wish i could just marry him and follow him everywhere but i know that's not realistic. i guess i'm just so sad that i'm fulfilling my dreams while staying really close to home but he is fulfilling his everywhere that i'm not at. i'm so proud of him for being so brave but i just hate missing him so much. well i guess i had try to at least sleep a couple more  hours before i have to wake up and go to school.... great. well peace out i guess.